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Topic Winding Up the Owners Club By purple hat Date 17-10-2018 21:18
Sad day. A good run for a fabulous machine.  I miss mine terribly.  I had bought my Red Dragon in in my early fifties it was a little dream.  I will be 70 in March how time flies.  Nearly as young as Lawrie. ;)

Changing the subject, I have a Goons LP, THE LAST GOON SHOW OF ALL.  I had orderd a CD from Amazon and I received the album in the post.  Apparently a mis-posting of information.  A friend has managed to get me a CD of the show but I am stuck with the LP album.
This was the only place I could think of that would have members of a generation that would remember the daft humour of the Goons.  Anyone interested? :)
Topic Why? By purple hat Date 25-01-2014 10:19
We used to be a very active site at one time with meets going on as well.  Things change and folk move on.
New blood is needed to reactivate new interest.  Not just us oldies who have been around for 10 years or so. :grin
Topic 26th/27th/28th July Camping and Calne Meet By purple hat Date 17-07-2013 10:49
It seems the new committee set up is not to be sniffed at.  Take a look at their website and see how much there is going on.  I can just imagine Royal Wootton Bassett with hundreds of bikes passing through to honour the fallen.  :-)

Hi Pam,
The Bike Meet this year starts on Friday PM at the camping field, Beversbrook Farm. Tell your member to book the camping on the Calne Bike Meet website: http://www.calnebikemeet.com/  Have a look yourselves the festival is free with some excellent bands. Post the link onto the forum so all the members can see what has changed this year.
Regards,
Elick
Topic Silent.... By purple hat Date 27-05-2013 18:02
An elderly couple are attending Mass.  About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
  He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Topic the.....'LOVE....dress By purple hat Date 08-05-2013 14:26

> A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.  She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.


> She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
>
> "What are you doing?!" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

>
> "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
>
> "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
>
> "Love dress? But you're naked!"
>
> "Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained.
>
> " It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
>
> The mother-in-law left.
>
> When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home.  He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
>
> "What are you doing?" he asked.


"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

>
> "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
>
> He never heard the gunshot

Topic Note on the fridge By purple hat Date 10-04-2013 18:35
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
upset----I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the
dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Topic The Restaurant By purple hat Date 04-04-2013 17:11
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference
in an organization. Very Impressive!

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange.When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon
in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.
It represents a drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save fifteen
man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice.'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Topic Listening to music By purple hat Date 04-04-2013 16:39

> > > One day , a husband returns home from work to find his wife in bed
> > > with another man with his head between her breasts .
> > >
> > > He yells : "What the hell do you think you are doing ?"
> > >
> > > The man replies , "Listening to music ."
> > >
> > > The husband pushes the man aside and
> > > puts his head between her breasts and
> > > listens .
> > > "I don't hear any music !" he says
> > >
> > > The man replies , "You're not plugged in !

Topic In an office: By purple hat Date 31-03-2013 12:28
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE  USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR  CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department  store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT  UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY  PLEASE RETURN IT OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an  office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY  THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING  BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES,  ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL  BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a  safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR  CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,  THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's  field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS  THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair  shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE  KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

Now that  you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and  send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle).  We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling.
Topic Nag Nag Nag! By purple hat Date 21-03-2013 10:14
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough
day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar  ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her

husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, ' FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU
EVER STOP?!

When you stop laughing, send this to a friend!!!
Topic Tired nurse By purple hat Date 21-03-2013 10:05
A very tired nurse walks into a bank,
Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque
She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse
And tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake,
She looks at the flabbergasted teller
And without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great....that's just bloody great....
Some arsehole's got my pen!' 
Topic Where can I shop now? By purple hat Date 21-03-2013 10:01
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier
said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this
running amok security crap, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found
out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
Man I hate this getting older stuff.
Topic Difference between Complete and Finished By purple hat Date 21-03-2013 09:48
 
No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in
London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world:
Samsundar Balgobin, a Kenyan, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and
FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are
COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when
the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
Topic Forgot my glasses By purple hat Date 16-03-2013 16:01
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're almost 79 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"  I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

HA-HA-HAYep
Topic Redneck Lake Skimming By purple hat Date 06-03-2013 17:26
http://www.flixxy.com/yamaha-raptor-sport-atv.htm
Topic Complete and Finished By purple hat Date 20-02-2013 12:42
How clever is this??? How true???

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London , England , and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.
Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"
His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.
Topic A must read - CRANKY OLD MAN By purple hat Date 20-02-2013 11:56
        
        CRANKY OLD MAN
        When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

        Later, when the nurses were going through his meagre possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

        One nurse took her copy to Melbourne . The old man's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health.
        A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

        And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this 'anonymous' poem winging across the Internet.

        Cranky Old Man

        What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?
        What are you thinking .. . when you're looking at me?
        A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,
        Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . .. .. with faraway eyes?

        Who dribbles his food .. . .. . . and makes no reply.
        When you say in a loud voice . .'I do wish you'd try!'
        Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.
        And forever is losing . . . . .. .. . . A sock or shoe?

        Who, resisting or not . . . .. lets you do as you will,
        With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?
        Is that what you're thinking?. .Is that what you see?
        Then open your eyes, nurse ..you're not looking at me.

        I'll tell you who I am . . . . . As I sit here so still,
        As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.
        I'm a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,
        Brothers and sisters .. . . ... . who love one another

        A young boy of Sixteen . . . . with wings on his feet
        Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he'll meet.
        A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap.
        Remembering, the vows .. . ..that I promised to keep.

        At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.
        Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.
        A man of Thirty . . . . . . My young now grown fast,
        Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.

        At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,
        But my woman is beside me . . to see I don't mourn.
        At Fifty, once more, .. ..Babies play 'round my knee,
        Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.

        Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.
        I look at the future ... . . . . I shudder with dread.
        For my young are all rearing . . . young of their own.
        And I think of the years . . . And the love that I've known.

        I'm now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.
        It's jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.
        The body, it crumbles .. . . grace and vigour, depart.
        There is now a stone .. . . where I once had a heart.

        But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,
        And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells
        I remember the joys . . . . . . I remember the pain.
        And I'm loving and living . .. . . . . . life over again.

        I think of the years, all too few . . ... gone too fast.
        And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.
        So open your eyes, people . . .. . . . . open and see.
        Not a cranky old man ..
        Look closer . . . . see . .. . . ..... . ME!!

        Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within .... . . .
        we will all, one day, be there, too!

        PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM,
The best and most beautiful things of this world can't be seen or touched.
They must be felt by the heart.
Topic Its Hell to be a senior citizen By purple hat Date 19-02-2013 08:58
Oops, thanks for the addistion. :)
Topic Alaska one in a billioin photo By purple hat Date 18-02-2013 23:41
Alaska... one in a billion photo
The photo was taken at the entrance to Katlian Bay at the end of the road in Sitka, Alaska.

The whale is coming up to scoop up a mouthful of herring (the small fish seen at the surface around the kayak).
The kayaker is a local Sitka Dentist.  He apparently didn't sustain any injuries from the terrifying experience.
The whale was just around the corner from the ferry terminal, and all the kayaker could think at that moment
in time was: "Paddle Man--really fast!"
The whale's mouth is fully open with the bottom half under the boat.
If the whale had closed his mouth before he furiously paddled away -
He might have been LUNCH!!!
Look at the picture again -
He IS in the whale’s MOUTH!
Topic Its Hell to be a senior citizen By purple hat Date 18-02-2013 23:32
It's Hell to be a senior citizen

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing..'
The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbour?'

    The old man replied,
Topic Job at the FBI By purple hat Date 08-02-2013 12:05
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife..'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to beat him to death with the f # cking chair.'
Topic A tour of the international space station By purple hat Date 08-02-2013 11:20
One of the female astronauts, who is about to return to earth, takes you on a lively and very thorough tour.
I was going to just give the first part of it a quick look, but got hooked big-time. I promise, you will not be bored for one second. This is a truly grand informational video. It's worth your time to view it to the end.
Use the video link below Be sure and view full-screen.

http://www.wimp.com/orbitaltour/
Topic A tour of the international space station By purple hat Date 08-02-2013 11:19
One of the female astronauts, who is about to return to earth, takes you on a lively and very thorough tour.
I was going to just give the first part of it a quick look, but got hooked big-time. I promise, you will not be bored for one second. This is a truly grand informational video. It's worth your time to view it to the end.  Use the video link below Be sure and view full-screen.

http://www.wimp.com/orbitaltour/
Topic Seniors Banking By purple hat Date 08-02-2013 10:31
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old
woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

**Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured
to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
honour it..

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,
an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years..

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I
am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of
his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
       required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

And remember:*  *Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the
first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.** *
Topic An Australian Love Poem By purple hat Date 08-02-2013 10:13
Of course I love ya darlin
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin' there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think it’s very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the cricket’s on
And fetch another beer
Topic Golfer at the dentist By purple hat Date 08-02-2013 10:11
           Gary and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

       The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.  I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!

  
       The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."  So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"






       Gary turned to his wife and said,


 




         "Honey, open your mouth and show him".
Topic Men are so romantic! By purple hat Date 08-02-2013 09:57
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text...

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your
smile. If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."

He replied... "I am taking a dump. What should I do ?"
Topic twitchy laptop By purple hat Date 06-02-2013 10:33
I had new hard drive put in my old Sony laptop a year ago.  Since then the surface is so sensitive that I seem to be typing gobbledy-gook?

I am a touch typist so you can imagine when I look at the screen and see my paragraphs contain bits of the following sentences as
the cursor seems to have a will of its own etc. 

Arrrrrggh!  :(
Topic The candy with the little hole By purple hat Date 20-01-2013 12:11
*Subject:*Fw: Priceless

>*The Candy With The Little Hole **
>
>
>This should make you smile.
>
>You have to love little kids. *
>
>
>
>The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:
>
>Red.....................Cherry
>Yellow..................Lemon
>Green...................Lime
>Orange ...............Orange
>
>Finally the teacher gave them all *HONEY *lifesavers. None
>of the children could identify the taste.
>
>The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
>mother may sometimes call your father.'
>
>One little girl looked up in horror, spat her lifesaver out and
>yelled,
>
>'Oh my God! They're arse-holes! *
>
>The teacher had to leave the room !!!*

Topic Tips for 2013 By purple hat Date 20-01-2013 12:06
1.Stay out of trouble.

2.  Aim for greater heights.

3.  Stay focused on your job.

4.  Exercise to maintain good health..

5.  Practice team work.

6.  Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back.
    Take your time trusting others.

7.  Save for rainy days.

8.  Rest and relax.

9.  Always take time to smile.

AND*

10.  Realize that nothing is impossible.

This should make you smile:

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services,
the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the
reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an
hour..
But, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,/"For fast relief"/

THE SENILITY PRAYER :*
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference..

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10
others.. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can
remember who they are!

Always Remember This:   You don't stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

    *HAVE A GREAT 2013*
Topic Exciting new BUPA programmme By purple hat Date 19-01-2013 12:57
You're a sick senior citizen and the government says they are going to
sell your house to pay for your nursing care. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are
allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison..... where you will get
three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and
all the health care you need!

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a new hip,
knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They're all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do
now.

And who will be paying for all of this? It's the same government that just
told you that they cannot afford to pay for your nursing care.

And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't have to pay income tax.

Is this a great country or what?
Topic The Baptist Cowboy By purple hat Date 17-01-2013 19:59
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Topic I hope this doesn't upset anyone By purple hat Date 16-01-2013 17:57

>        *Yesterday I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.**
>
>
>
>        **Elizabeth, a very attractive and a keen golfer, who lived in a
>        house adjacent to the golf course, heard the noise and called out,
>        "Are you okay?"***
>        **
>
>        *"Yes I'm fine thanks," I replied.
>
>        "Just forget your troubles. Come to my house, rest a while and
>        I'll help you get the buggy up later," she*
>        *said, smiling.
>
>        "That's mighty nice of you," I  answered, "but I don't think my
>        wife would like it."
>
>        "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
>
>        She was very pretty and persuasive.
>
>        "Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won’t
>        like it."
>        **
>        **After a restorative brandy and lessons, on her private driving
>        range and putting green, I thanked my hostess. "I feel a lot
>        better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
>
>        "Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, "She won't know
>        anything. By the way, where is she?"
>
>        "Under the buggy!" **I replied.*

Topic The cinema seats By purple hat Date 16-01-2013 17:55
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie
theatre.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old
man,
"sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man just groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient.
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the
manager."

Once again, the old man just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he
returned with the manager.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled
man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the
situation briefly then asked,
"All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle,
Fred replied, "the balcony."
Topic The secret of enjoying a good wine By purple hat Date 16-01-2013 17:50
1.   Open the bottle and allow it to breath.

2.   If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth to mouth.
Topic Meantime at the bar.... By purple hat Date 14-01-2013 14:59
I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my mate,

"That'll be us in ten years."

He said, "That's a mirror, you dickhead. "
Topic Happy New Year! By purple hat Date 01-01-2013 01:08
:) xx
Topic Senior Moments By purple hat Date 24-12-2012 00:42
I'm not sure how this works from here.  Anyway it's really funny - if I can remember what it was ;-)

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0
Topic The Tax Man By purple hat Date 24-12-2012 00:34
The Tax Man

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"
Topic Golf on Christmas Day By purple hat Date 24-12-2012 00:07

>        *Golf on Christmas Day*
>
>        Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one
>        remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning,
>        roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf
>        course, meet his buddies and play a round.
>        >
>        > His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a
>        priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
>        >
>        > Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they
>        are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost
>        me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't
>        take her eyes off it."
>        >
>        > The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home
>        planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in
>        brochures."
>        >
>        > The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new
>        car, reading the manual."
>        >
>        > They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring
>        at them like they have lost their minds.
>        >
>        > "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf
>        game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry
>        Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse
>        ...'.She said, 'Don’t forget your sweater!' "

Topic Driving after the Cristmas Party By purple hat Date 23-12-2012 23:56
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.
Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before -- I took a cab home.
Sure enough on the way home I ran into a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it
Topic Seasons Greetings By purple hat Date 23-12-2012 23:54
Me an' Imin (aka geronabike) wish to say happy Christmas and a great 2013 to everyone.

If you do not celebrate Christmas then we wish you happy holidays.

Pam :-)
Topic Cell phone etiquette By purple hat Date 06-12-2012 16:24

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart"
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
Topic Yorkshire folk By purple hat Date 06-12-2012 16:22
Subject: Yorkshire folk

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year,
And every year Bill would say,
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "

Blanche always replied,
" I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid,
And twenty quid is twenty quid! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might
never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill, that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge
you a penny!

But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't,
I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you t'truth I almost said summat when Blanche fell out,

But tha' knows, twenty quid is twenty quid! "
Topic Cartwheels By purple hat Date 06-12-2012 15:36
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them

Mum said, "You should say "No" -they only want to look at your knickers."

Emily said, "I know they do.
That's why I hide them in my bag"!
Topic Elderly Golfer By purple hat Date 01-12-2012 02:59
An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course
and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over
the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young

lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs, “Yes sir,

I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,

“Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a

cheeseburger.”*
Topic From Thomas Cook Holidays By purple hat Date 01-12-2012 02:54
Some guest's  complaints during the  season.

 
1. "I think it  should be explained in the brochure  that the local store does not sell  proper biscuits like custard creams or  ginger nuts."

2.   "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in  the afternoons. I  often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this  should be  banned

3. "On my holiday to Goa in India , I was  disgusted to  find that almost every restaurant served curry.  I  don't like spicy food  at all."

4. "We booked an excursion to a  water park but no-one told us  we had to bring our swimming costumes and  towels."

5. A tourist at a  top African game lodge over looking a  water hole, who spotted a visibly  aroused elephant, complained that the  sight of this rampant beast ruined his  honeymoon by making him feel  "inadequate".

6. A woman threatened to  call police after claiming  that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact,  she had mistaken the  "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a  warning to remain in  the room.

7. "The beach was too sandy."

8.  "We found the  sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows  the sand  as yellow but it was white."

9. A guest at a Novotel in   Australia complained his soup was  too thick and strong. He was inadvertently  slurping the gravy at the  time.

10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach  should be banned. The  holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking  at other  women."

11. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros  from a  street trader, only to find out they were fake."

12. "No-one  told  us there would be fish in the sea. The children were   startled."

13. "There was no egg slicer in the  apartment..."

14.  "We went on holiday to Spain and had  a problem with the taxi drivers as they  were all Spanish..."

15.  "The roads were uneven.

16. "It took us  nine hours to fly home  from Jamaica to  England it only took the Americans   three hours to get home."

17. "I compared the size of our  one-bedroom  apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours  was significantly  smaller."

18. "The brochure stated:  'No  hairdressers at the  accommodation. We are trainee hairdressers - will we  be OK staying  there?"

19.  "There are too many Spanish  people. The receptionist  speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many  foreigners now live  abroad'"

20. "We had to queue outside with no  air  conditioning."

21. "It is your duty as a tour operator to  advise us of  noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

22. "I was  bitten by a  mosquito - no-one said they could bite."

23. "My  fiancé and I booked a  twin-bedded room but we were placed in a  double-bedded room. We now hold you  responsible for the fact that I find  myself pregnant. This would not have  happened if you had put us in the  room that we booked."  

 
They walk  amongst us . . . and they  vote!
Topic Christmas Shopping By purple hat Date 01-12-2012 02:45
A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:"Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."

.

.

"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next to it!"
Topic Nurse By purple hat Date 19-11-2012 19:35


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
Topic Sex after death By purple hat Date 18-11-2012 19:08
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.   After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:

Judy............Judy"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.

I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then I pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again..

Then it's more sex until late at night.

I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, George...are you in Heaven?"

"No...........I'm a Rabbit in Cornwall

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